I'm not going to even touch the pre-show "people walking in" thing, mostly because I didn't write down any of my comments from it and I don't remember them anymore, and because it's just too easy. We'll just jump right to:
Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Meryl Meryl Meryl. What are you wearing? Say it with me, girlfriend--disco is dead! See, everyone....look at how surprised she is. She must not have thought she was going to win....she probably didn't want to waste money on a quality outfit just to sit at a table and drink free beer all night.
Best Actress, TV: I totally would've made Brad Pitt carry me up to the stairs if I had a broken foot like Jennifer Aniston. What, he can't pick up his tiny wife? He's got muscles. We've seen 'em in all sorts of movies. Wimp. Why was the "Friends" table that far back, anyway. If I could bargain for a million dollars an episode, I know *I'd* be able to wrangle a better table.
Special Note to Debbie, Who Doesn't Read This: Carol Burnett has never been involved in a television or movie production of "Annie." I don't know about on Broadway, per se, but I'm thinking that's bunk also. Thank you.
Best Television Mini-Series: Do any of these people actually care about the mini series category, or are they just clapping for politness? Ooh..Cheers! Oh, they're for Spielberg. I can dig that. More for "The Gathering Storm?" Oh, Ridley Scott, there we go.....Well, okay then. Thanks for clarifying that, lady. For a moment there I thought I was wrong all these years and Ridley Scott was actually a girl. (Hey, I've heard worse names.)
Way, to go Brendan Frasier. (Please salute me!, Wait, I mean....well, go ahead, but...") I sense someone needs love. Was he tickling her? It looked like he was tickling her...I know she was squirming and I couldn't see his right arm and then her right arm popped behind her back and then both because horribly still. I don't know what's going on, and I definitely have no clue what either of them said, because I was too busy obsessing about....well, whatever that was.
Supporting Actress, TV (etc etc etc): Is she wearing a carpet? Kate Hudson's totally wearing a carpet! (And as Debbie said, it's about to come off, too.) You go, Helen Mirren, you go. You spill that ketchup on those horrible teenagers. Right on! I personally would've given the award to Shirely Maclaine just for having the guts to say, "Why yes, I'll play Mary Kay. Why not?" and not worry about how it would affect her career. (I mean, "Hell on Heels?" Are you kidding me?)
Supporting Actor, TV (etc etc etc): Man, this is the weirdest category. Not only do you have eight people, they're from comedies, dramas, and tv movies. Jim Broadbent's not there? Maybe he's hanging out with Paul Newman. Okay, the Don King comment was enough for me to forgive them not giving it to Dennis Hasybret and going to Donald Sutherland instead. Way to make a pop culture reference, Donnie!
Dang, I almost complimented Celine Dion. Blizzard Monday has to be the cheapest semi-crossover/theme night ratings ploy I've ever seen (especially when you throw in the ebola virus). How sad for the writers who actually think this is a good idea.
Actor, Movie (M or C): Who told Sharon Stone to be a punk princess? "Oy," she says. "Second that," we say. I'm thinking someone was hitting the booze backstage, eh, Sharon....especially now as she's trying to get Richard Gere to dance with her onstage. Yes, Nic Cage is laughing with Richard, but inside he's thinking I'll see you at the Oscars, buddy. Just you wait. Renee Zellweger looks like she's either about to burst into tears, or throw up on the table. I'm not sure which. Stop kissing up and get off that stage. Or dance with Sharon. You're boring me right now, Gere.
Actress, Movie (M or C): I think Arnold becomes more adorable all the time. The same could be said for Renee, but it's not as funny. Rnee delivered a beautiful speech about how wonderful Catherine Zeta-Jones is and Catherine then thanked her but oh-so-gracefully (that's sarcasim, y'all) sticking out her tounge at her. The "epitome of movie star class," right there folks!
You know, this show is really zipping along. I wonder what we're going to do for two hours--have Arnold pronounce names with his funny accent? Let Richard Gere finish his list? Maybe we'll let Larry David come out and tell us how much he hates us some more. I could be cool with that.
Actress, TV: I wonder who paid Lara Flynn Boyle to dress up like a pretty, pretty princess ballerina? I hope it involved lots of money, Lara, because that's the sort of embarassment you don't live down easily. I totally have to find a pic of that so I can laugh at her forever. Or until she's extra good and gets a pony. Okay, Edie Falco with laringitis is just hilarious. I think that's going to be the best speech of the night.
Did Celine Dion sell her soul to Chrysler or something? What's up with this singing while cars drive thing? Did she buy *that* much crap for her bouncing baby boy, or has her husband finally started needing health care? (Man, I sound awful tonight.) Boy, how sad for Scott Foley....although, I suppose that's one way to get a change after Felicity. Pick a sucky sitcom sure to flop! Bask in the joy that you've done enough quality work in the past that you don't have to post this on your resume!
Song: If you had a career as varied and multi-talented as Elton John's, and your entrance voice over only mentioned your [quality, yet not most influential] work for "The Lion King," how would that make you feel? Madonna's not helping her career any by writing her own lyrics. Especially when I suspect she was the one who probably said "no, we need MORE techno!" (My ears! My ears!) Sharon Stone's taking this punk princess thing too far, if she's hanging out with U2. She's also taken this "if I act crazy, they'll love it!" thing too far by trying to get on stage with U2.
Aw! The best of ________ clip show! Tonight's featured performer: Gene Hackman! I just hope we feature some Royal Tennanbaums with all this nonsense. Or Robin Williams embarrasses his poor teenage daughter that he dragged along with him. I remember Mississippi Burning. I almost passed out in honors history during that barbershop scene. Yay! Royal!! I would've had the "Me and Julio" montage, myself, but at least we have some Young Frankenstein. YES! JULIO MONTAGE!! Bless your souls! Boy, the carpet in that room is ugly. Orange roses? Yuck! Anyway...Gene Hackman. yeah. Top of the world, indeed Gene. (And I don't mean that with sarcasim.)
Actor, TV (etc etc etc): Wow, Jeff Goldblum really doesn't seem to know what he's doing. Just cut all this stuff and give it to William H. Macy like you know they will. I've actually seen part of that one, and he was amazing. Albert Finnery? Must be because Goldblum forgot to say his name. Maybe he's hanging out with Paul Newman and Jim Broadbent. I could picture the three of them getting into trouble somewhere.
Movie, (M or C): Chicago! Chicago! Chicago! C'mon...we know you're gonna do it! Although I do love Hugh Grant. And Adaptation looks like the loopiest movie ever. (ooh, it gives me a chill just watching that clip from Chicago) And I really liked My Big Fat Greek Wedding, though not enough to give it this award. (And Nia is adorable.) And I was completely unawadr that Nicholas Nicklby was a comedy.
SEE!! SEE SEE SEE! First the Globe, next the Oscar! Rock out! It's fun because, I don't know if they did this on purpose or were just trained so well, but the cast all moved in time to the music whenever the music came up after they won (not just this time--Renee and Catherine totally moved in time to the percussion/trumpet cressendo when Renee won). If I wasn't so hyped to see this movie, I'd be sick of listening to all these people sing (hee hee) each other's praises. It's a little sad, because this is all the love that I wanted shown to Moulin Rouge last year, even though it didn't really get it. (Well, it sorta did here, but totally robbed at Oscars).
Anyway.
here we are, Celine Commercial #4 (or possibly #5), although it's a repeat of an earlier one, so at least they didn't make an infinite amount of these things. There still is hope for the universe!
Movie (Drama): I enjoyed all the shots of various guys in the audience making "wow" faces as Halle Berry came out. (Yes, Robin Williams, I'm talking to you.) I suppose I should see what the fuss is all about now that The Hours won the big award. Wow, the only one out of Nicole, Julianne, and Meryl who looks semi-normal is Julianne. The only one who didn't win was Julianne. I sense a freakish outfit at the Oscars!
Yup, we had to get one last Celine Commercial in before we ended, didn't we? Ooh...montage of all the previous commercials! How completely unoriginal of you!
Wee! We actually finished *undertime*....maybe they'll take the time they had left over here, and claim they can use it as a gimme when the Oscars run long in March. (I don't think I should do one of these for the Oscars....there's too much more....spectacule involved. Besides, I plan to watch at the hall party instead of just sitting in my room, making comments to Debbie. Oh, well. Hope it was worth your time, although it probably wasn't. Ta da.)
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