[Not Quite] Desperate Plea for Help

Can someone teach me to play percussion (beyond the THUMP-THUMP-THUMP of bass drum) enough to start up a band? I've got the perfect name--"Broadsided By Life"--and I feel ready to fullfill my dream to become a rocked-out punk princess. I want to wear jeans with holes in them, vintage t-shirts, and forget all thoughts of "do I need to wash my hair?" I want to wear too much eye make-up, because that's how it looks when I put it on anyway. I want to avoid pink at all costs, except when used in an ironic sense. This could include a photo shoot for a major publication or the first album ("original cast recording") cover. I'll wear fake [for variety sake] tattoos and too many beaded bracelets on my arm. We'll become famous for covers of songs like "Danny Boy" and "He's a Tramp." I already have the drum sticks, I just need one brave soul to make it all come true. Volunteers?