The Golden Globes Post - 2004

(Featuring Renee Bashing, Celebrity Drinking Games, and Too Many Dress Comments)

So, my tape (because I missed the first part of the show) starts out with Dick Clark, who apparently needed some extra dough after New Years if he’s being dragged into announcing/interviewing/being all around in the way-ing. I hate when we start off these award shows with annoying songs that “fit” so we can show off all the stars in their overpriced free clothing…though then I can start in on the ugly dress bashing way early (what is Nicole Kidman wearing?!?).

That song was just embarrassing for all the stars, whoever had to “write” it, sing it, and produce it, as well as all of us here at home. Thanks.

And, now it’s actual show time, so everyone wants to look like they love and adore everyone else because the camera’s on them, leading us into…

Supporting Actor, Movie: a category I totally didn’t pay attention to, so I know no one in it, except Albert Finney (yay! Big Fish!) … so it really means nothing to me that Tim Robbins just won, except that perhaps some of the focus will come off of Sean Penn for awhile (yes, dude, because drinking’s what it’s all about here at the Globes, go back and sit with your Mommy.)

Drama Actor, TV: [First, love, hate, hate, eh the HBO girls’ dresses.] You go, baldy! You go, Joe (watch Empire Records)! You go, crazy used to be deaf unfeeling guy! Eh. You go, crazy time guy! (that would be Michael Chiklis, Anthony LaPaglia, William Petersen, Martin Sheen, and Kiefer Sutherland, for all those interested) … Hey, Joe! Where you going with that globe in your hand? (Sorry, still see Empire Records) Yes, just keep looking at the Globe, making sure it will never disappear from your sight, though I suppose you’d know what to do about that, wouldn’t you?

Drama Actress, TV: [and for the last time, Hey [again] Joe!] So, I like her necklace, her hair and earrings, her rhinestones, her earrings, and her use of lipstick (yowza). That doesn’t really help me pick a winner though … and I’ll never see Six Feet Under to know if she deserves it, but at least she’s wearing a nice dress, too. I don’t really care for the gloves; they’re just a little off. Dress and shaw, sure; dress shaw and gloves, nah. Anyway, speech over.

Supporting Actress, Movie: Yay, Holly Hunter! Have you see “A Life Less Ordinary?” Not only is she fabulous (“Jeopardy, Jackson. Always works.”), but she wears go-go boots the entire movie … of course, we knew Renee would get it (dudes with the cameras – what’s up with all the shots of blonde people? It’s not like they’re all related.). See, you never take so much time getting up on the stage that the applause has died down by that point, especially if it’s to pull out your thank you list AND you’re right next to the stage!! Aw, now Jude’s gonna have a complex: “Why aren’t I wonderful like Nicole?” I don’t think people find you quite as adorable as they used to, so save that rambling for the big Oscar win down the line. So, the emphasis on the “literally” couldn’t do it without him is really creepy. Hey! Maybe she’s his robot and that’s why he had to whisper something in her ear before she could manage to go up on the stage! I feel so smart now.

So, unless there’s anything really noteworthy by way of commercials, I’m just ignoring them all.

All I’m waiting for here is for Ellen to add “it’s perfection in pelicula form, it may even cure cancer, and I’m in it!” I still love Finding Nemo more than perhaps anything I saw all year – “I’m h20 intolerant!” “I’m obnoxious!” Totally.

Comedy, TV: Well, Monk cracks me up but that’s because Tony Shalhoub cracks me up, there’s always more room for Brit humor (or is that “humour”), and I don’t want to think about when Will stopped being the gay one on Will and Grace. … Dudes, I’m cool with a Brit Invasion tonight (ooh, pretty dress – show it again!), and the toast from the still win-less Will and Grace table was a nice touch. This guy suddenly has the best speech ever: “We used to rule the world before you.” Priceless.

Mini-Series: I don’t need to see the rest of the names to know Angels in America is going to win. So, sorry Maggie Smith (and I love Maggie Smith), sorry Tom Wilkinson (and some guy who looks like Jimmy Fallon), sorry movie that looks too trashy to even be in this category, and sorry Tennessee Williams. … And it’s a good thing I love the music for Angels already, because, with the pedigree of actors involved in “slumming down” for this TV mini, it’s sure to win oodles of crap.

Actress in Mini-Series: Is no one here tonight from this category? Well, I guess Meryl’s backstage (and I personally hope Maggie Smith’s off having a grand time somewhere far from here). … That must’ve been real convenient to be right there in the wings, huh? [pretty music again!] I don’t know whether I like her dress or not; it’s like the top and bottom of two different dresses thrown together, and I’d like them more apart. Ooh, “searingly gifted” – there’s one for the press clippings.

Is that Michelle’s mom? Hey, Mrs. AuBuchon!

Well, Cate, that’s a pretty color for a dress, but why such an ugly top half? (Support! Support!) No—not the president! Hello boring speech and polite applause. I wonder if the starts playing drinking games at this show, just because they have the easy access and all that free time on their hands between interesting categories.

Comedy Actress, TV: I’m sorry, hasn’t Alicia’s show been cancelled by now? … Ugh, what’s on the back of that dress?! Stop dallying, you’re not even on the stage yet. At least they started clapping for you again once you finally appeared on stage, huh Sarah? (See, Renee, they don’t care you’re not adorable!) That dress is so cute until the bow appears.

That’s a nice simple dress, Christina Ricci, but it’d be better if you’d sprung for both shoulders (and you still didn’t look like you had on your Addams Family eye makeup). I love Big Fish so awful much (like the other fish movie) – yes! The popcorn! I’d prefer the daffodils, but this works too. Who edited that? That was crummy editing.

Supporting Actor, TV: And now, two people who want better intros than Barbershop 2 and The Butterfly Effect. By odds, Angels wins; by easy money, Angels wins; by clapping, Jeffrey Wright (from Angels) wins … and apparently the clap-o-meter is on! [Pretty music!] See, even from the back you can PROMPTLY take the stage.

Comedy Actress, Movie: [Tap for us Richard! Tap tap tap! Ahem.] I’d love for Jaime Lee Curtis to win this award—have you seen Freaky Friday? She totally pulls off a teenager mentality. … Please, don’t just read your entire speech off a piece of paper, especially if you wrote it all out to sound extemporaneous. Wow, Amy Pascal has scary, scary hair.

Comedy Actor, Movie: [If Renee’s dress was full length, it wouldn’t look so whore-ish.] … New best speech of the night: “…and I would thank the people, but there’s so many people trying to take credit for this, I wouldn’t know where to begin.” Dude, you rock.

Drama, TV: [Well, whatever her name is (Monty? Molly?), according to Jim, she’s hot stuff (get it? Huh? Sad, I know.)] Hello shows I don’t have access to, shows I never see anymore, and shows I never cared to watch! … Yes, take your time. I suppose that’s natural, since you never get to take your time to do anything on the show.

Comedy Actor, TV: “Well, you need a set….” To quote John, true that.

(Side note: it pains me that so many people will know The Cure's “Pictures of You" because of a photo software commercial (or movie trailer thingy). Anyway.)

Score: Danny Elfman! Big Fish! The music I just said I loved! The guy who did cool work for lion king! And other peoples! … Dudes, that music from the shire gets me every time, no matter how often the various themes play throughout the movie (and those are just cool glasses).

Song: Okay, the LOTR song just annoys the crap out of me (no, no particular reason), but I guess it’s good that the movie’s winning stuff [Ben must think so, as he’s doing his happy dance again.] Of course, now that I know it’s dedicated to a dead kid, I can’t hate it out of principle…but I can still avoid it at all costs, right?

Screenplay: [What’s up with her lip gloss? It makes her look like she doesn’t have real lips, just shiny things in the way.] Good, if Sofia wins here, then that leaves my man, Peter, to win director without guilt.

Supporting Actress, TV: Where there’s an Angels nom, there’s a Globe win … See, I’m good at this game [pretty music!] “…So, get out your checkbook!” is possibly the best line of the night (though there’s been great competition so far).

Toast time, eh? I guess (more than guess) it’d be a high honor, but I’d want someone other than Danny DeVito to be in charge, thanks. (I bet if they have drinking games for this show, there’s definitely one for this section of time.) “blah blah greed blah blah my hair sucks blah blah hey, Charlie Sheen! blah blah blah.” See, now I never have to see Wall Street because it’s all nice and summed up. I guess Sharon Stone really must believe she is a punk rock princess, just like last year…or maybe she’s finally going through her rebellion stage? And now he gets to talk about how wonderful he is and everyone gets to pretend to care, which works out because you’re in a room full of actors.

Hey, it’s the friendly accountant people! Maybe John'll go with the accounting major and work out in Hollywood and then he can sneak me into award shows all the time. That would be spiffy.

“Hi, I’m Susan Sarandon.” “What the deuce is going on?” – sorry, Family Guy moment.

Director: Peter, Peter, he’s my man! If he doesn’t win, I guess someone else I don’t like as much will and I’ll pout and get over it! (not really catchy, huh?) … ah, both Ben happy dance and pretty music again. He’s so cute and Australian and accented. Wow, Elijah Wood is so about to cry.

Actor, Mini-Series: [Oh, no! Antonio is…too sexy! (Do you have any idea how fun it is to break that joke out in Spanish class?)] Dude, it’s Al Pacino making a miniseries and they just mispronounced his name, of course he’s gonna win … [pretty music!] You don’t put Al that far back in the room (though, notice he still made it up on the stage while the applause was still strong)

Drama Actor, Movie: Mr. Jude Law needs to brush his hair. Dude, Nicole Kidman is completely drunk right now, isn’t she? C’mon, when you present, you don’t play the drinking games and you find yourself a decent dress! … Now we’re going to talk and talk and people will pretend to pay attention as we drone on about the fabulousness that is Sean Penn. Yawn.

I’ve just been totally lambasted for not seeing Seabiscuit yet.

Foreign Film: [to the tune of “O, Canada”] Oh, Canada, I hope you win the Globe! Not that I know, what your movie’s ‘bout! And then there’s one, with a terrorist, or at least his name. A-and they just won, oh Canada, don’t hang your head in shame. I’ll love you still, though you just lost. Oh, Canada, good luck at the Oscars. Oh, Canada, good luck, we’ll see you soon!

Drama Actress, Movie: Nicole still looks drunk, which would make sense; Charlize also looks drunk, but perhaps she just can’t dress herself (surely that sleeve isn’t supposed to dangle like that) … Somebody’s having a “Julia Roberts at the Oscars” moment. Sorry, now I have to go into ABBA: “If you change your mind, I’m the first in line. Blah blah la-la-la, take a chance on me!” Hey, if she’s thanking “everybody,” that includes me, doesn’t it? You’re welcome, Charlize!

Comedy, Movie: I want a fish movie to win here, preferable the one with “Nemo” in the title and Pixar at the helm … and see, now I have to see Lost in Translation even more because it beat out my beloved fish (the big and lost kinds), so it must be pretty confounded good.

You know what’s fun but probably really inappropriate? To mock “The More You Know” commercials.

Drama, Movie: Not that we need to see the noms again because we know it's going to my man Peter with his pretty pretty music … See? [Ben extreme happy dance time] Now, just keep those awards a comin' and we won't have any problems. Especially if I get to see all these happy people (and then some) at the Oscars.

No, good night to YOU, Leo, because it means so much more that way. Everybody grab some booze for the trip home; it's not like any of you drove yourself here anyway.