Two letters to "friends"

Dear Squirrels,

One day I'm going to stop caring, swerving, braking, and all, and then where will you be?  That's right: in the exact spot on the pavement where you were bouncing along last as I came driving around the corner.  Stop pressing your chances.

 
Dear All Those Insipid Guys from Today,

So, was it the muddy jeans, the over-sized white polo, or the unwashed hair that meritted me hot enough to whistle at?  I'm just wondering so I can replicate the look in real life when I actually feeling like getting some attention, as opposed to while I'm working and feel grungy.

P.S. - Guys at the State Park: you were totally drinking and we both know it, so you're lucky I didn't feel like sending a park ranger after you.