Maybe I'm just tired, but these crack me up

Q: How many people with dyslexia does it change to take a lightbulb?

and

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

(Dang, is band fun.)

So...

My first book (because, anymore, there will *be* a book, right after the production company, four Tony awards, Ph.D., three minors, lucritive advertising, and major league baseball stadium [nah, just kidding about the last one]), will be called "So...", since most of my stories start with that word anyway. "So..." will feature a random selection of stories, possibly some taken from The Toast, all starting with "so" in the first paragraph. I've already pictured the cover art, which means all I have left is to pull together some stories, find a publisher, promote the heck out of the book, and live off the movie rights.

Huh. Maybe I should go with the stadium.

Is there a doctor on the blog?

I've never had an ear infection before, so I'm not quite sure what it looks like. If that middle part of my ear is drop dead red, the middle bar (I really need a good diagram of an ear right now) is slightly swollen and feels kinda itchy sometimes, yet throbs whenever I touch it....is that an ear infection? Because, I imagine I'd want to take care of this problem somehow, even though it might involve going to the health center ("No, I don't have a cold. I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant, either, thanks."), and I'd hoped I could skip that all 4(+) years.

Maybe this is something that will just go away, like my allergies. Perhaps I'm just an amazing medical marvel that self-cures unbelievably well. (And possibly I'm just trying to talk myself out of a pointless trip to the health center. Done.)

*DANGER*

If you are desperately busy and have no free time, do not, I repeat DO NOT, click on this link and experience the pure time waster that is Addiction Solitaire (and, if you do click on it, I bet you can't beat my high score that I earned when I was supposed to be reading for Literary Theory).

Not now, boys, can't you see I'm working?

About seven minutes ago I was interrupted from my [easily interruptable] English paper by a paper airplane landing on the floor of my room. Even before the chorus of "open it! open it!" came in loud whispers from across the hall, I knew it had to be the freshmen guys directly in 314.

I don't know if it's all freshmen guys this year, or just the ones in 3 North, but they all come across overly friendly and flirty. Melissa, who's a big flirt herself, has been eating this up. I'm enjoying it as well, but more from a "there's always something to laugh at" point of view. We've been introduced, questioned, asked to join "gangs," been dubbed swankin' ladies, had pranks pulled, and just general mayhem before they started sending paper airplane messages.

While it's great fun ("gangs" and swankin' ladies--really!), I should probably feel bad about not know *any* of their names. Sure, I have a fifty-fifty when it's just the two directly across...but they're good friends with their suite mates and other people down the hall and I'm just thoroughly confused most of the time.

So, guys, come and re-introduce. Possibly make nametags for all the "gang" members. I'll make you something pretty and sparkly in return. Just let me do my English. And call you all the same name forever.

(I mean this with no disrespect to the entire "Pirates" cast and crew)

Dear Chick who did a speech about me for my public speaking class,

I said "Pirates of the Caribbean" was my favorite movie from this summer! You didn't ask me of all time--this *summer*! While I certainly enjoyed the flick (okay, more than that, but I'm not obsessive), it still ranks below (among other things) "Amelie," "Clueless," "Empire Records," "Jurassic Park," and "Strictly Ballroom." Good Lord, chica, at least I got all your facts right!

Health ruins everything!

I swear, I can't just look at my freckles and think, "boy, aren't they cute?" anymore. No, no, no...now all I can do is think about how that one looks bigger and that one's a weird shape and any minute I'm going to break into a rampant case of pure cancer. Nice, huh?

At least with Debbie I always had time for homework

It's amazing I've gotten anything done lately, what with the easy access to friendly people I know have here in Ryle (as opposed to the go down the stairs, cross the street, don't get hit by traffic, climb more stairs I had last year). While it's convienent late at night when we finish movies, pizza, tickling sessions, etc., it's also a bit hard to concentrate all the time when I have such things close. [I apologize for that kinda crummy sentence, my brain has melted.]

So far, I've spent more time on obsessive card games ("Set"), pizza-chomping, Wal-Mart roaming, movie mocking, people tickling, bubble blowing, and even Dutch mocking (at a Burger King, no less) than I have on actual homework. Yes, I know that's kinda bad (drop the "kinda" in that sentence, and you'll know what my parents would probably think about that). In my defense, most of those things happened Saturday evening/Sunday before I even knew I would be swamped with work. Sure, I'm still typing away when I could be reading an actual assignment, but somehow all this sort of writing doesn't feel as hard as "real" class writing. I think that's why I'll have a problem with my writing class: we're studying critical theory plus some writing theory, but I'm hoping ever so much that it won't change the way I write for myself.

Let me know if you see an weird differences. I'm going to go douse myself in water before I have to trek around outside.

You're now for the low low price of $19.95! (plus $5895.19 S&H)

I am an absolute informercial junkie. I've spent many Sunday afternoons delaying homework as I watched hour after hour of paid programming. I even have a favorite informercial (Carolyn and Marilyn for the SlowStew). I've never actually bought any crazy tv products (I'm not that insane), but there's a certain giddiness I feel upon seeing a shoe cut in half, whole fruit coming out shrunk and dry, etc.

Last Friday, Mom and I were at Wal-Mart stocking up on college munchies when they announced a free knife giveaway. I went to grab one, not realizing the joy awaiting me.

The freebie (as you, you brilliant genius you, have probably figure out) was merely a ploy to make people sit through a demonstration of a different knife (a bargain at $19.95!). Did I care? Good lord, no! I happily stood there for over ten minutes as this wonder knife chopped sliced, diced, bent without breaking, and sawed through a steel hammer before my very eyes.

Of course, I was a bit more persnickety when Demonstration Guy wouldn't stop yapping about all the free things he was willing to give us in addition to the wonder knife (let's just say there could've been a well stocked mini army preparing for their next attack while squeezing fresh fruit juice), since I was supposed to meet Mom at the registers. Demonstration Guy finally finished up his spiel and started accepting cash, credit, and all major credit cards (apparently, some Sullivan people had need for eleven knives...I should probably feel worried). I grabbed my tiny paring knife and finally found Mom--she was packing the trunk by then--but at least I gained a little bit of informecial-ness...

At least until I forgot it at home when I left for Kirksville. At least I saw a knife saw through steel.

I could be taking a nap, but either way I'm not doing homework

It's too hot to read my theatre assignment.

Frankly, it's too hot to read or eat or *do* anything (except, apparently, blogging, since I'm sorta kinda doing that right at this moment).

I'd really like to just take a quick nap and avoid some of the sweaty awfulness, but I have a class in about an hour at the farthest possible building on campus, so it's more like I have class in about forty minutes. After that, I have classes non-stop (Writing about Literature, Spanish, Marching Band) until about 5:30, depending on when band gets out. I'm slightly hoping the weather is so increadibly awful, we have to move band inside, yet that curses me for the rest of the afternoon when I'm dashing to class. I don't actually have a way to know whether or not they change the schedule, though (since I *am* rushing around all afternoon), so I might just have to guess judging by the sweat-factor around 3:15.

At least I have a new bike (named "June") so I don't kill my feet by rushing everywhere. As long as I don't kill myself by trying to balance on the nice, new, kinda-too-tall bike with ten million lbs. on my back. I live ever so dangerously.

Oh, well. On to other things. (unfortunately not involving sleep or air conditioning)

And God said, "Let there be broadband."

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to the world for not posting for a week. In my defense, first I was packing for college, then I got to college, and then the college network disappeared because of the [choice words here] worm. I sense the rest of my homework will wait until tomorrow morning (though I'm done with all Wednesday's stuff....just trying to prepare for Thursday), although I really shouldn't since I "played" yesterday. (I think Melissa, my roommate, has an inner seven year old just like me.)

I have been working on posts, although I'm currently more concerned with chopping through the chaotic wasteland of my inbox. Be prepared for all sorts of crap once it finally pops up again, though!

Cheers!

Woo!

(How's all that for not posting for awhile? Spiffy, no?)

...And really bad eggs. Drink up, me 'arties yo ho.

As if I couldn't be fanatic enough from just my one viewing of "Pirates of the Caribbean," no one can possibly imagine the joy I gained when I found this just hanging out on the internet. Seriously, is there anything better than being able to actually quote your favorite lines from the actual *script* of a beloved movie? Sure, IMDB's quote page (totally bookmarked) is great, but a full script? (Yes, I just linked to it twice in the same post. Deal.) Welcome to the Caribbean, luv!

[For those of you who enjoy that sort of thing (like me), the hand puppet theater has their version of the already fab film. You're welcome.]

I'm still doing better than last year!

At this point, I'm approximately 1/23 packed (and only half of that is me counting what I've planned but not actually done).

Anybody want to go to the movies this week and stall me further? I'm open to all suggestions...especially if they involve Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. Speaking of which...

It's like a twisted 6th grade memory!

Apparently the spiders who are living in my room are brown recluses (read: the spiders that gave me nightmares because Mrs. Jones, my sixth grade teacher, kept harping on the dangers of these particular arachnids, including detailed stories from her close friends' experiences). I suppose I figured they were b.r.s the entire time, yet refrained from flipping out because before, I managed more to wig out and squash them into oblivion than to whip out a guidebook and identify the buggers). Also, apparently, there are about a zillion of them as I keep finding/killing them. Of course, the creme de la creme of the entire situation was the dead spider uncovered right next to my leg one morning upon waking. If there's one thing guaranteed to ruin your sleep patterns, it's finding a dead spider (nevermind the kind) on your blanket. Yuck.

Once Upon a Time in Iowa

I spent last week in Iowa, which is a semi-ish-annual thing my mom has done for years. This year didn't disappoint, as it featured the usual amount of memorable moments. Here, I present my week in assassination (bullet) style:

* Due to a mix-up by the Krispy Kreme people (and the wait at McDonalds), my mother ended up with a free box of a dozen original glazed donuts...bringing her grand total to 3 1/2 dozen donuts treking up to Iowa.

* Apparently, my Uncle David is Jimmy Stewart

* Through the course of the week, I managed to watch more TLC programming (mostly of the "Trading Spaces" and--even more addicting--"While You Were Out" variety) than I did the entire nine months I spent at college.

* The coolest piece of jewelry I've bought in a good long while came from the Claire's at Spencer, Iowa. It's a Tootsie Roll Pop bracelet. Yes, really.

* Stealing pickles off my cousin's plate while he was distracted by ESPN.

* Not only do I rock at the bumper cars, but my cousin, Ricky, and I also managed to spin/stay upside down for most of the time on that birdcage egg-looking ride (where I also found a nickel in the bottom of the cage).

* I also found a quarter in the wave pool at Boji Bay (the local water park) just by looking down...unlike above mentioned cousin, who actually scoured the as much area as possible for spare change and found zilch.

* Speaking of Boji Bay, there's nothing like going to a water park in Iowa. You look at the park and see water, tropical plants, etc...but look across the parking lot and you'll find tractors.

* Watching my baby cousin, Max, take his first steps (he was trying to get food)...and then watching everyone try to get him to come to them AND get it on tape.

* The dinosaurs might have won the Jurassic Park game, but I so won the Lego game all three times we played.

* Two helpings of birthday cake and ice cream! Two pop-up books under ten dollars! Three helpings of Iowa-perfected sweet corn! Two trips to Wal-Mart (when I didn't have to work)! Two new books completely devoured!

* Arriving home with just enough time to unpack, gather mail, and leave for the Relay for Life and more sleep deprivation. And Krispy Kreme donuts.

Conclusion: I should vacation more often. Even if it takes me away from the lovely blog.

Bless you, Merv!

Merv, that devestatingly handsome box of technolgy, has decided to--at least for today--lift the ban he placed on saving my password, username, etc on Blogger, for which I couldn't be happier. Are you thanking me for getting that patch weeks before that worm became a big deal? It doesn't matter exactly...I'm just happy to waste those three seconds on something else. Like downloading Gilmore Girl soundclips. (ooh! Good idea!)

Pledging Miss Smith!

For somebody who takes such offense to being even compared to a sorority girl (sorry, can't find the link at the moment), I should feel more surprised that I can't get over the fantabulousness of my new fancy-smancy dress (which I've already fully accessoried. I've owned it for less than a week. Why, yes, I'm insane.)

[Vintage Toast from 8-11-03, my Aunt's house, stuck in notebook...lost to time because there is no internet at said house and discovered only because I was trying to find my Week in Iowa post]

David Schwimmer was on "The Wonder Years"?

I may be almost in Minnesota, but I'm still catching "Classmates." Sure, it's 11 at night, but at least I don't have to go through completely withdrawl this week.

What? You haven't heard about this show? (Or--more importantly--my absolute adoration of its cheesiness?) "Classmates" is based on the website with the frequently obnoxious pop-up ads of the same name. Person A ("Jimmy") calls up the ClassmatesTV hotline and tells them he wants to meet up with Person B (an old girlfriend, the chick he never had the courage to ask out, a long-lost pal, jerk bully, etc). Classmates then sets up the meeting *without* telling Person B who Person A is.

Naturally, this means Person B often hopes Person A will be someone that they aren't (and frequently spend the pre-meeting time saying things about "Boy, I really hope it isn't Jimmy" when it is, etc) and is in for a shock. For instance, on the show tonight, Tina (Person A) was meeting a high school bully who used to throw acorns (!) at her and spent all her pre-meeting time complaining about what a jerk Joe (Person B) had been to her. Meanwhile, Joe spent his time fantasizing about what ex-girlfriend wanted to get back together ("I'm single, so...!") and ending with "It better not be Tina, that girl was crazy."

Though it started out as a "huh?" pause while flipping through channels, "Classmates" has become my favorite show of the summer season. I bet it's on while I'm in class, just to be that way. I can't imagine going nine months without anymore bully confrontations, weird celebrity trivia, "we've never even dated, but will you marry me?" conversations, and awkward questions about relationship status. "Classmates:" the classy person's Jerry Springer.

Introducing...

You may not realize it, but I write about a zillion posts that never actually end up here on The Toast. So, because I constantly re-run into some that should've gone up but ended up in a spare notebook, used as a bookmark, or just lost it's relavence after a few days, I bring you....*Vintage Toast*!

(Yes, this means the next post isn't actually from today.)

(Yes, this also gives me another way to goof off and not actually come up with new things while recycling the old. Hurrah!)

Well, pull my tail and call me a legend!

(I don't know what any of that means. Well, maybe the last part.)

I just received one of those coordination emails (of the "Bet you can't do this!" variety), and--for once--totally can do the "bet you can't!" skill. Read and be amazed with my new useless talent!

CAN YOU DO THIS !!!
A challenge for you all who think you're coordinated....
IF YOU CAN DO THIS - YOU'RE A LEGEND!

While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Note: Make sure you use your right foot and right hand and your foot continues to go in the Clockwise direction.
Can you do this?

Let me know! Paul


First an Atari in the basement, and now this? I truly am so flahoolick.

...Or maybe not.

My mother just made me come out to the living room to see the cow made out of butter (the "Butter Cow," if you will) on the show about the Iowa State Fair. Maybe I'm not ready to be her.

I am still alive. Ta da.

I'm on the very last stretch of my grand Iowa Vacation (read: I'm not home yet, so this won't be a real post.), but I figured I could scribble off a quick post because, hey, when else do I get to mess with my Grandma's weirder-than-my-own keyboard? (That backspace key is *way* out there.)

I've had a great week, even if it sped by faster than any amount of time spent in the Back to School aisle (speaking of which, I was even there this week and found good deals for my cousins. Wal-Mart should give me a comission. Or anything.) I'll be in that final week before college phase next week, so if you want to catch me, do it then. I'll be sure and send out an email to all you Sullivan people (and probably one to TSU folks) with further instructions. That so sounds like I'm about to take over the world, doesn't it, Pinky?

For some reason that just reminded me that I bought the first season of Red Dwarf on DVD. No, I don't know why either.

I'm going to check my email and watch some more blackout footage on CNN. I've become my mother, but I am okay with that.

A Little FYI for the Darling Croutons

I'm shipping out of town for a couple of days to visit family in Iowa, so posting may become even more non-existant than it has been this entire summer. In the meantime, check out some of the various links to the right (over there -->, for those who like visual aids) and read some blogs that probably aren't out taking vacations. Or just download Steve Burns' music videos (Yes, the Blue's Clues guy is now a rock star. Sort of.) and spend too much time trying to get the songs back out of your head.

Ciao!

Why Saturday at Wal-Mart rocked so much more than Friday

* Singing "Boys of Summer" and "Flashdance (What a Feeling)" at the top of my lungs....in the car (no, I'm not that insane to do that at work)

* After the entire summer, a customer finally had the gall to cuss me out (over *safes,* if you can believe that)

* Blue cart heaven!

* Finally finding the last naked mole rat (don't ask unless you really want to know) behind the microwaves

* Picking out the snacks for the meeting...which means Chips Ahoy Chewys *and* M&M ice cream sandwiches!

* Having the receiving crew try to fit in nine months worth of picking on me

* That mini-fight in the dog food aisle where I started throwing dog toys at the receiving crew and was asked to work somewhere else (apparently I was too distracting)

* That whole "I don't care what happens today because it can't affect me tomorrow" attitude...and finding everything so completely hilarious

Well, it was my last Friday night

Berry Pops and fudge cookies at the meeting, telling another customer where to find the cash registers (dear Lord, they're right when you come in), finishing *two hours* early, organizing all the embrodary floss, paper towel fights, being stalked around the store, all that ladder quality time, and no work on the registers: yesterday should've been my last day at Wal-Mart. I can't imagine tonight being any better.

Seven minutes later, after getting the mail

Okay, so I like you again, Truman, but only because that "You owe $-362.00" was one of the greatest laughs I've had in awhile. Although, it would've been nice if you could've left enough to pay for all my books.

God bless whoever invented scholarships!

(Three seconds later, after checking the clock)

I missed Classmates because of this?!?

Pipeline, you're going down.

You're not supposed to screw me over until I get *back* to school!

(Just in case anyone from good ol' TSU is reading this: you've never actually screwed me before, so you don't need to start now. Well, except for that whole not telling me when I'd get my scholarship to pay for my books. Or even telling me where part of my scholarship was coming from. Or not wanting to take back books that were in even better condition than when you sold them to me. Anyway.)

Two seconds ago I had an email from my future roommate, Melissa, sitting in my campus email inbox and I still don't know why you've suddenly gone into *DOOM* mode over it, but all I want to do is find out if I need to buy any storage containers for our future room. Surely there are no governmental secrets or Pinky and the Brain-esque plots of world domination that were plotting (yet). Give me my email!!!

Disenfranchised Youth Day

Not only did I spend Monday night as the only person in "Homelines/Domestics/Fabrics/You Name It, I Probably Ran It Solo" last night, but I also did so while observing the antics of multiple groups of teenagers with [sadly] nothing better to do than kill a few hours at Wal-Mart. Most of the groups were okay; they'd ask a few questions, talk loudly, and lounge around on furniture samples, but nothing that merited full blown observation. One group, however, decided to beat each other with pillows and the Hulk loungers (which are frightening, btw), run around softlines (the clothing area to non-Wal-Mart people), and throw random things at each other. I listened to them make noise for awhile before deciding to rectify the issue (I *did* have a lot to do without worrying about a posse of idiotic adolescents) by constantly showing up in the same aisle as the group and holding staring contests until they would move on again. I'd thought I managed to make them leave my area and had gone back to doing my real job when I heard a crash in the furniture section. I rushed out of the pet aisle just in time to see one of the delinquents throw something (I never did figure out what) at someone else out of my view.

I think I snapped a little.

If my Wal-Mart sense would've been on, I probably would have just quickly snuck up on the young hoodlum, told him politely to stop throwing things, and threatened calling management. Instead, in a moment that would have made Mrs. Cox, my high school choir teacher, infinitly proud after all those years of "project, Hannah, project!," I yelled at the kid from seven aisles away at a volume that made half of softlines (and God knows who else) look up...as well as send him running out of sight. Then I spent the rest of the time staying in view of the group (whenever possible--dang fabric calls!) and sending pointed looks their way every few minutes. I'm sure they would've spit in my hair and attacked me with throw pillows if they could've found a way.

So, to recap, my day that could've turned out completely hellish (being the only person in 3+ areas for over six hours is kinda overwhelming at first....and second and third....) actually turned out to be one of the funnest because I took all my agrivation out on an idiot kid and therefore ended some of my "stupid customers" frustration by actually letting one have it for once.

I recommend all Wal-Mart employees do that before they leave, just do it in your last week and when no one important is around...just in case (hey, my adreneline may jump in, but that doesn't mean I go all stupid or anything).

You can thank me by loaning me your discount card after mine stops working.

Is it something I typed?

Apparently Merv [the Computer, for the uninformed (I so just tried to spell "uninformed" with a "v" in the middle)] has decided to despise me again because he refuses to remember me on Blogger no matter how many times I check the "Remember Me (?)" box on the Blogger homepage. I know, it only takes about three seconds to type in my username and password, and I'll start sharing Merv again in about a month so there's no reason to leave my passwords all open and crap, but it bugs me that technology can so easily undermine my efforts to save time.

Beyond coming with Spider Solitaire pre-installed, I mean.

I'm just saying...

It's a good thing Saturday is my last day at Wal-Mart because I don't think I can put up with another full weekend of customers. It's not that they're extra cranky or obnoxious, I just have so many more because of the Back to School aisle that I can't get anything done between their annoying questions.

Here's another one!

Customer: Can you tell me where to find those sticky note things?
Me: You mean, Post-It Notes?
Customer: No...they're sticky on one end, but not the other, and you use them to mark things.
Me: I think I know what you mean (leads customer to Post-It Note section)
Customer: Great! Here they are!

Young Ben Affleck Alert!

Is there really any good reason why I should feel so upset that we don't have the very last episode of all the "Voyage of the Mimi" shows (first and second voyages) since I know how it ends? (And, is there any place that sells them on DVD yet?)

See what I have to put up with?!

Actual conversation with a Wal-Mart customer:

Customer-HEY! Where are those cups?
Me-What cups?
Customer-You know, those one cups.
Me-Any particular kind?
Customer-(really frustrated now) The ones you drink out of!

An explaination of sorts

The internet was down all weekend (probably from work on the school's connection, since that's what we use), so everything I wanted to post will now go all lumped together today. Well, not all of it; I probably forgot half of it just because I couldn't pop onto the internet and back off.